In the eleventh hour,
your girlfriends come
to hang the final doors
in your soul.
They know it is your funeral,
your wake.
The death of so much you have built
and known.
You know that’s
how it will be when you die–literally–
or you pray, or wish it to be so,
women and men surrounding you.
Understanding you need
to build this one last thing before this death,
they come with drill bits,
and toolboxes,
and dirty jokes,
and Beyoncé ballads.
You’re *Drunk in Love*
together in the night.
They come with highly
absorbent towels
and borrowed vacuum cleaners
because they know
you need to laugh and cry
at the same time.
They do the same.
It’s no coincidence when
you look down at your watch,
it’s eleven twenty.
And then you clutch your heart
as if you could offer it beating
out of your chest
to show them
how much this grand act
of love matters.
In the eleventh hour,
you call your guy-friend
and desperately ask him for
a recommendation for a plumber.
The upstairs faucet won’t stop
leaking, like your eyes,
broken, and you call him again when
the plumber tells you the only fix
is to drill through the wall
behind the tub to replace
the valve. Your friend gives you the okay,
and the world is made right for that moment.
Another friend, a man, gifts
you a ring, a broken piece of turquoise
healed with gold, Kintsugi.
Mixing Urushi Laquier into your internal joinery.
Another tells you to drink the good wine
and offers you a bottle to catch
all the confusion, upset, anger, chaos,
tumult, of these tender days.
Another wraps you up
in Spring in Seattle.
God-parent to your sons
playing super-smash until dawn.
In the eleventh hour,
your friends, who are no longer young
spread the table with salmon
and homemade spice chutney
for a feast to last through the wind.
They don’t know you’ll go home
to silently sob at their magic
on the shower tiles.
Your girlfriend jumps on her bike
to ride with you through the
rainstorm, sunshine yellow cut-leaf balsam
root punctuating each meadow.
The rain, the sun, the rich
smell of the greening earth
make you laugh with joy,
woop with pleasure over the berms
Revel in the living of it as
they’ve each given their day, their night,
precious moments of their one precious life,
to be with you, to cradle you,
to eat *Thunder Cake** and salty tears together.
It will never be final or forgotten,
this Gift.
The fact that they knew
and understood the challenge
and all stepped in
with Windex and mops
with arms outstretced
Ready to hold you
as your once-life died
and you were made anew.
You, free entirely
-MM
“In the Eleventh Hour” has to do with ambiguous grief and the power of others to help heal us in our deepest darkness and pain. You see, our society honors and marks certain types of grief, specifically the death of a loved one. The death of a partner, parent, child, sibling, or close friend presents the mourner with its own unique fire, dragons, daemons, and oceans of grief. 🌊 But some griefs in our culture do not have specific metrics or physical markers. These bereavements may be losing someone to dementia, substance abuse disorders, divorce, familial estrangement, watching someone slip away in mental illness, or leaving our religion or faith origin. When someone dies, we generally mark their grave. But when someone miscarries a baby, we often don’t have ritual to mark that grief event. The same goes for things like childhood abuse. When you grow into an adult after this abuse, who is there to mark the unimaginable path you have trod out of the way you were treated by those who were meant to be your protectors not perpetrator(s) of your worst nightmare?
I’ve found that grief is holy, sacred even. Whether you experienced an ambiguous or more direct loss through death. Human opportunities to walk through the circles ⭕️ of life and death can both teach and strain the body, heart, and soul.
When I got divorced, I sat down with Google to see if a human really could die of a broken heart. 💔 That is how bereft, how torn and sad I was. And it turns out, yes, sure enough, you can die of a broken heart. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy syndrome is the term for this condition. Your heart, in essence, cannot withstand the excess adrenaline caused by a stressful grief-induced event.
All grief has the potential to break our hearts. But, in fact, not a lot of people literally die from this condition which means that a whole lot of people who have experienced deep, great, wide grief live to tell about it. One thing that saved me in my grief was the net of love, care, catching that my family and friends spread out under me and my family. “In the Eleventh Hour” details that love.
*So worth a read. Thunder Cake, by Patricia Polacco.
*Also important in this conversation, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, by Ocean Vuong.
Refined + Rugged 